just when i think everything is starting to level out, just when situations seem to be resolving themselves, just about that time, it has been apparent that the universe wants to test me just a little bit more. so, i say "I can handle this. I will handle this, and I will do it with a smile on my face because I know that there is a higher purpose for all this." just when I say those words, i am gifted the most amazing synchronicities, and then it seems almost subsequently I am thrown another curve ball.
how much of this is one human supposed to have to handle? i know that it is not some karmic debt that i am having to repay, or that i deserve this, but then, maybe i do. maybe i deserve to be tested to the extent of my spirit on all levels so that i know myself in every avenue that runs throughout my being with not one shed of doubt or shadow. maybe, this is all raining down on me so hard right now is because the seeds planted deep within my soul have been dormant for lifetimes, and they are finally beginning to germinate as I shed all these tears. the waters of my eyes will run down to my feet and nourish the soil of my soul, and begin to penetrate each and every seed sitting there in it's cozy little place. i feel this happening. i know that i am meant to take everything i am handed and not only "deal" with it, but smile and give thanks, no matter how difficult or impossible these new developments seem to be.
there is a certain freedom that has come with going into $15,800 debt with a repoed vehicle, buying a minivan with borrowed money only to have to borrow more money to fix it so that I can borrow more money to put gas in it. there is a great sense of power that comes with finding out that I have been lied to by my child's father, and now know that the $3082 that was meant to be paid to Friend of the Court in April, was changed to $120 because of a promise to pay on time from then on, and finding out that his lies run deep with that judge too, as the commitment was not fulfilled, and I will not be receiving the money he told me he sold his car to have to pay. there is a great amount of stability that comes with making decisions that should have been made a long long time ago, and knowing that i have done everything in my power to give the benefit of the doubt, and that i have been continuously walked on, and under appreciated by a man whom has never had to be held responsible for his lack of support in our son, and has had the gall to try to make me feel horrible that "the state is fucking" him over. there is a wondrous feeling inside me to know that not one entity other than ourselves can hold that power over us. to know that no matter what others will say, i know that i am acting out of love, and stopping a habitual pattern of enabling another human to not have to reap what they have sown. there is another amazing well of emotional stability that comes with finding out that my soon to be ex-husband had sexual relations with other women while we were married, and thats only the tip of the enormous mountain of hell that I went through with him, but I know with every cell of my heart that i did all that i could to try and save that marriage, that there is not one shred of doubt that he was perfectly content with me being his woman of the house, and care taker of the kids and the animals, while he did whatever he wanted to do whenever he wanted to do it. and now, after six months of not offering one cent to help out, he wants to try and take my daughter that is not even biologically his and the baby i carry away from me. there was a time that the words he spoke rang a great bell of fear deep within my soul, but now, a mute has been placed upon that bell, and the fear mongering has come to a halt.
"there is nothing to fear except fear itself." this is along with "God, I know you will not hand me anything I can not handle, I just wish you didn't trust me so much" from the compassionate Mother Theresa have been my lyrical life savers. My family has shown me more love and respect and help in the last six months than any other time of my life. i am grateful for the opportunity to stand tall with my spiritual brothers and sisters, with my blood relations, and with all other beings on and off this planet, and say, " I accept" "I surrender" and most of all " I LOVE!!!!!!!"
the strengths that I have gained throughout these experiences are well worth the pain it has been to live through all this. and as a woman once said to me, " pain is only weakness leaving the body. " at the time she told me, I did not agree fully, but now, I know that those words are true. Strength only comes from the experience of weakness. Light only is appreciated when we know darkness.
may i breathe life into my being. may i experience the events in my life so that one less other has to. may my life be an expression of LOVE HOPE!!!!!!!
